Sorry for....

Getting pulled over and given a breathalizer test. Last week Josh and I actually had friends in town, and so we celebrated by heading out to the bars. As we were leaving, I literally had made it a block away when I was being pulled over by a police car. I thought..ok, I didn't run a red light or anything, I just left my spot, what is going on. I proceeded to freak a little bit because our tags had just expired on the Cherokee, but we are rolling with it because our lease is up. The officer asks for the usual, I ask.."Um, why was I pulled over?" He says, "Well Ryann, your lights aren't on." I was like, "Oh my gosh this car has automatic lights, and I guess I accidently turned them off when I parked...etc....etc..." He says, "Well where are you coming from?" I'm like, "the bar scene!" Now this whole time Josh and our friends are laughing at me, and sort of jeering this whole process on. You would think not the normal, your drunk driver just was pulled over behavior. I explained to him that I was prego, and the d.d. to which he replies, "Well, then you won't mind taking one of these then." And pulls out a breathalizer. Before I could reply, Josh yells, "YEAH!!!!" in the backseat. Now, the Rose in me for a split second thought...I drank a Kaliber....Guinesses non-alcoholic beer. What if something comes up and he thinks I just lied to him....but that quickly diminished, when he said...."0.000" The rest of the car laughed and I apologized again for not realizing my lights weren't on. He said, "You're pregnant", (like, it's to be expected), but I didn't care because he let me go.

Good Stuff

This book is hilarious. I bought this for Josh half joking, half serious because I knew he wasn't reading any of the baby books. So I put it in the one place I knew he might flip through it...the executive...a.k.a the bathroom. After getting it though, I started reading it too. It...is... awesome. It breaks the book up by months, and at the beginning of each month it lists, "What your wife will be complaining about." The first two things every month is, 1. Exhaustion and 2.You. Love it. I was like...see, it's not just me. It also has pictures of what the wife may look like that month. In the beginning she has her cute cowboy boots on dancing, and by the end she is in straight (as he says), "jungle-print muu-moo she swore she'd never wear."

My other favorite parts are sections like, "Things to let her know you are caring, sensitive, and up on the required reading." They are usually about 2 short paragraphs filled with big medical words. The best line of the whole book though is...."Yes, your wife's boobs are getting bigger...no, you can't touch them." It's like everything your baby book is telling you, but in funny guy terms, for instance, "Month 4, Leukorrhea...(we don't want to talk about it.)" If Josh questions my motives, I'm like did you read the book? It clearly stated this month I would want to bathe in mayonnaise. Anyway, good stuff, I found it on Amazon for a couple bucks, and highly recommend it.

Bad day to be pregnant.

Soooo last Friday I was subbing elementary a class that included 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. All is well in the land of munchkins...we read a little, played with some earthworms, the math was easy...you get the picture. An hour before the day is over...that is 60 minutes before the official start of the weekend. The craziest sub/teaching experience I've ever had happened. A second grader went medieval on me. Enter scene:

The four second graders of the class are gathered around the teacher's table working on their language assignment. Putting the correct spelling of a word in a sentence. I stressed to them, that we were checking it as a group, so if they got it wrong, no big deal, just correct it. So this one kid (to protect his identity) we will just call him "The Devil" gets the last sentence wrong. I say, "No big deal, just mark the correct word." Devil: "But, that's what I was going to pick, but he told me to pick the answer and it was wrong!!" Me: "I understand, but it is your assignment, so you need to choose your own answers, but again, we are correcting as a group, so it's no...." Devil: Jumps up slams his chair into the desk, mumbles something under his breath and goes to his seat. Again...SECOND GRADER!!!

So, I calmly go back to the rest of the group to finish. I hand them their next assignment, and plan on speaking to my star student. But of course in the land of elementary, the other kids yell for him to get his next assignment before I can tell them not to. He approaches, I tell all the other kids to have a seat, and ask Devil to stay and talk to me. Devil: picks up his assignment rips it in half yelling, "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!!!" He proceeds back to his desk where he kicks it repeatedly. I ask the other kids to continue working...not that they are doing so at this point. I walk over to The Devil and say, "Ok, lets go to the office." Devil: ignores me continues to kick. I reach down to pick up his torn assignment, and he starts wailing on me! Hitting me with his book, kicking me in the shins, and screaming. At this point, I don't know what he's going to do. I can't leave him, hitting and kicking things, because he might kick another student, so I pretty much grab him and carry him out in the hallway. Don't worry he managed to kick several things on his way out.

He made so much noise that the principal, counselor and secretary across the hall came over as I was bringing him out. The counselor and I chat while the principal takes him to her office. She says to me in a low whisper...."He has anger issues." I'm like NO SH*T!!!! As I retell the story the overly hormonal pregnant lady decides to come visit, and I break down in tears. Awesome. Then I have to retell the story to the principal...still crying. She says to me...for future reference, just leave and come get someone next time. I almost flipped. I said, I'm sorry, but I have been teaching for 6 years, I've worked in high schools, I've broken up fights, and never have I ever seen a kid flip out to the point where I felt like I had no choice but restrain him. I didn't have time to get someone. I said, him hitting an kicking like that, I thought he was going to go crazy on another student. Plus...I don't even know this kid! If he has anger issues that needs to be in the sub notes!!!!!! Come to find out, big surprise, this isn't the first time he has done this. He did come apologize to me at the end of the day with the help of the principal. I mean, this was scary. I thought I was dealing with a future serial killer or something.

Long story longer, I finally pulled it together to go back in and teach the last 30 min. The other kids felt so bad for me that they all gave me notes and pictures. One kid drew me flowers....so ultimately I started crying again. Man, bad day to be pregnant.

Issues

Ok, I get that the hormones are in overdrive. I finally accepted it after crying at a commercial...don't ask, I don't even remember. Apparently another side effect of being pregnant. I mean I've even been fine with the breaking out issue I seem to have on my face lately...but it's spreading. Yesterday I woke up with neckne...that's acne on my neck. WTF is that? And it's not just one, it looks like a constellation. Apparently it's orbiting my face..drawing all it's energy from my other zits. RIDICULOUS. And nothing is worse then trying to play it off, like, oh, no one will notice...and than Josh..."What's on your neck?"...awesome...he told me it looked like I had been bit by a vampire...awesome...It's too bad we didn't dress up for Halloween this year, apparently I would have had a really good costume.

More Subbing Stories

I subbed today...elementary...resource room. I told Josh I wasn't going to work elementary unless, it was something easy like resource room, and there was nothing else available...well wouldn't you know what was available this morning...resource room. Mainly the reason I don't like to teach in the class, is because the idea of 20-30 elementary school kids scares me. Resource room I can handle. Few kids come in, you help them read, the math is easy, and you send them on their merry way. I admit the main reason why I like to sub middle and high school is because the majority of teachers...like those who read this blog...will have video/worksheet/play on the computer day when they are gone. This allows me to do more important things like Sudoku and crossword puzzles. Subbing for elementary...you know you have to teach, and dare I say...even make a difference, because if you don't, it's suddenly Romper Room, and you are hearing 50 stories about their friend's cousin's uncle who broke his ankle doing something stupid...and have to pretend like it's really interesting.

The Teacher's definitely complain about different things. For example, I overheard this conversation..."I had to send Johnny to the office, because he was drinking the paint water during art today." I was like, "Yeah, that's like the time I had the officer remove a kid because he called me a racist and wouldn't stop yelling black power....no?...not the same?"...I will say one thing I do like about elementary kids, is the fact that they have no concept of age. This one kid I helped today asked me if I was in high school or college. I could have cried. I was like, ahhh, you're sweet...I'm in college. I mean, you gotta boost that self-esteem...mine, not his.

Working 9 to 5...

Or 8 to 3:15...whatever. So, last Friday as I was packing to leave for KC for my 10 year high school reunion...which will be another blog, once I get my camera back...long story. We receive a phone call...early...so early that Josh assumes it's a telemarketer. She askes for RiANNeh....which apparently is what Ryann looks to sound out as. Josh, lays into the woman..."Who's RiANNeh?"...the poor woman fumbling starts trying other names...RyANN, Reeannuh, Reena...because apparently "Ryan" is a foreign name in Iowa. Josh finally realizes that it's not a telemarketer hands me the phone. It's a sub job...for the booming metroplis of West Branch, Iowa...home of Herbert Hoover. Why do I know this? Because the 30 seconds it took to drive through the town there was about 20 signs that made reference to it. So....I have a job 4 days this week at the high school. I went today not real sure what I was doing. She said they needed help with their ITED testing...which I pretty much assumed that stood for watching a spec. ed student pick the wrong answers on the standardized test while waiting for him/her to ask me to read the tough words like "standardized test."

Man, I thought sitting at home was boring...at least I could be in my sweats, and check my email. I basically worked 1 hour and sat for 6. Although tomorrow I might wear my sweats. I felt overdressed in my Khaki's and button down shirt. I was about to go crazy when I befriended the librarian and she showed me to the stack of People magazines. The last kid I sat with pretty much told me right away he didn't want help reading. I was like, fine with me...at that point, I was already into my second people magazine...which of course was how fat and crazy Brittany still is. I mean sure this kid asked to go to the bathroom and was gone for 30 min....but is Brittany ever going to get her life back on track for these kids?

Holy $#@*!!!!

This was pretty much my response when I saw this spider in my garage yesterday. It was not doing a very good job of hiding in the corner, since you know...it's GINORMOUS! That's my shoe in the pic. I mean this picture does no justice for the size of this thing, because at this point it is all shriveled up and dead. Death by spraying the F- out of it with Ortho Home defense Max. This was no easy task. I sprayed it in the corner, it took off under the car, made a run for it out of the garage, and half way down the driveway, with me spraying the whole time. Finally it quit moving. I mean, I don't know how long of a run that was in spider world, but let's just say a good couple miles for argument sake. So, I'm going to town on this thing, and look up to find all the construction workers that are building this house across the street are sitting in there truck staring at me like I'm crazy. Just wanted you all to know. Apparently, Iowa isn't just known for it's truck stops, and corn. Big ASS spiders is on the list as well.